Klegg Kool -- The Comments
Sunday, January 18, 2004
I was in Brighton last month with some friends and this ugly woman came up to us (off her head) and asked me if I was "married or had a mother", which I nervously replied "no" too.
"My mother wouldn't let me get married because she says I'm too ugly and that ugly people shouldn't get married."
Indeed she was right -- which me, Adam and Stefan were thinking - and that Nick shouted out... "yeah you are fucking ugly!"
Which caused her to come back and tell us about how ugly people shouldn't be allowed to spawn. Good idea love, if ugly people shouldn't be allowed to spawn, surely the same can be said about stupid people? I mean it was retards that invented death in the first place, wasn't it? Adam and Eve... oh yeah let's all listen to a fucking serpent. If I saw a snake talking to me I probably wouldn't listen to it. For fucks sake, because of those two we now live in a world full of poverty, hate, anger, ugly people and worst of all... STUPID PEOPLE.
Stupid people are no use to us, so why don't we just kill them all? Especially when they're Irish.
Hoskins shooting Mask sequel
Bob Hoskins has been signed up to play a Norse king in the sequel to The Mask.
Oh yes, another Jim Carrey movie sequel WITHOUT Jim Carrey. Good one lads. This'll bomb.
Halle Berry says she is in therapy to stop herself falling for the wrong men.
Obviously Halle and I haven't met yet. She would need to cancel her therapy lessons and instead just bone me like she does in 'Monsters Ball'. Yes, I enjoy blowjobs Halle, so get going before I go back to Rachel Stevens. Yes, I think a bit of interracial Halle Berry sex would be nice. :)
The mother of Michael Jackson's two oldest children has revealed they are Jewish by birth.
His life is getting shitter... isn't it?
Rapper Jay Z and The Beatles are being brought together in a new album.
The Grey Album is an experimental piece by hip hop DJ and producer Danger Mouse, reports NME.
The album has been described as an 'art project/experiment' and sees the entire vocal track from Jay Z's The Black Album recorded over samples from the fab four's White Album.
Danger Mouse will release the album over the internet and through specialist hip hop stores in March.
I'm not sure where this trend came from, but The Black Album must be the biggest project going at the moment. The album is pretty good, and so many DJs have gotten hold of the acapellas and decided to remix them. Problem is, they're shit. None of them have actually had any good tracks. The old saying "if it's not broken, don't fix it" should fall into place, but DJs are trying their best to get some recognition for their work - good luck to them. This album surely will be interesting, and I will definately look out for it. Although I will be more than dubious over whether it will actually work or not. Fair play to the lad though.
R Kelly is interested in composing the score for a musical based on the Sylvester Stallone film Rocky.
This could be fucking awesome. Although R. Kelly is an idiot for having sex with that girl and FILMING IT. Come on, who shags an underage girl and films it? Yeah, precisely. Apart from that fact, the idea of a Rocky musical gives me goosebumps. Rocky is an amazing movie, Sylvester Stallone is God, and R. Kelly makes amazing music you can bone to. I would go all the way to New York to see this. This could be amazing. Or it could be rewritten so Rocky is a 14-year old prostitute, with a gratitious beaver shot involved in the scene that R. Kelly is closest to her in...
Bring it on. This is exciting! :)
Muslims in Malaysia are calling for Mariah Carey to be banned from performing in the country because she's "vulgar".
I'm moving to Malaysia!
US rapper Mystikal has been jailed for six years after being found guilty of sexual battery.
What a loser. "Shake ya ass, watch yo' self" indeed Mystikal. You'll be seeing a lot of ass in jail indeed... hot male ass... hahahaha. Fucking women beater.
Fashion designers Dolce and Gabbana say Victoria and David Beckham are like two gentle pigeons.
Everyone hates pigeons.
Coca-Cola is to offer albums for download on its new music website for as little as £6.40.
Or you could just use KaZaA/Soulseek/iMesh/Suprnova and get them for free.
Beyonce, Britney Spears and Pink are to join forces in a new television advert for Pepsi.
Mr. Pepsi Marketing Man: I have an idea. Let's get the three hottest women in pop and throw them into a television advert.
Mr. Pepsi Agreeing Man: Superb idea. But what if ugly people watch it, won't they not be suckers and decide that drinking Pepsi makes them beautiful, and you know how much ugly people love to be beautiful (otherwise surely they woulda killed themselves by now)..
Mr. Pepsi Marketing Man: Okay let's also include the ugliest slag of pop then, and have the two hottest women in pop.
Yes, I think you can guess who he was talking about. How I'd love to bone Britney though.
Robert Kilroy-Silk has stepped down as presenter of his BBC discussion show following an outcry over his anti-Arab comments.
Shame. I enjoyed watching his show when bunking college in the mornings. "Oh yeah mum I have a temperat.. move out of the way, Kilroy's on!" Infact I went to Kilroy once. I got moved away from all but one of my friends for being too loud before Kilroy came on, and during the topic of "bisexual affairs" I put my hand up to basically tell all these obnoxious bisexual fucks who thought they could go around sleeping with other people and still find it acceptable because "we're bisexual!" were wrong and setting a stupid example to their children, who if they are bisexual (just keep it legal) wouldn't think that gave them a right to throw morals out of the window... fucking idiot Kilroy obviously didn't see my hand despite me being in his eyeline for 40 minutes. My hand was up for 40 MINUTES. Actually, my two arms were up for 40 minutes. I was about to sing to get his attention but the show was wrapped up... for fucks sake. I went up to him at the end of the show, shook his hand and said "my hand was up for 40 minutes." He replied, ra ra ra ra blah blah, didn't see you... What the fuck? You didn't see me? Is the glow off your face causing you to not see talent? I would have made that show... but no, you decide to ignore me. Idiot. Funny thing is, they never aired that episode. Few months later they take it off air. I think I was the death of Kilroy. Hail me.
Orlando Bloom has changed the football team he supports following David Beckham's move to Real Madrid.
What a fucking cock, but a superb representation of Man Utd's "die-hard" fans. The "we love you Becks" squadron can go join him in Spain if they like -- piss off outta this country. It's fucking pathethic the way these "die-hard" football fans can switch between teams over ONE player. C'mon, he's not even that good. Sure his workrate (sometimes) is 110%, his passing and crossing is amazing, but he doesn't make a team. He can add to a team and help them win the game, but he is not the team. The fact that Orlando "Lord of the Rings" Bloom has come out and told everyone he's switched alliances because of Beckham's move will probably cause all of Bloom's "die-hard - ie. we saw him in a poster in the pound shop" fans to switch to Real Madrid and we'll now have a country full of fucking glory supporters supporting SPANIARDS. Yeah, not an English team but fucking SPANIARDS. I fucking hate foreigners and the Spanish are no exception. Well done Orlando Bloom, you are now a TWAT. Thank God I hate Lord of the Rings.
Patsy Kensit is dating comedian David Walliams.
David... you are fucking hillarious... but you're going out with a ginger. What the hell are you playing at? Don't make me hate you. You're a good looking bloke yet you decide to go out with a bloody ginger. Damn David, stop it. Please. Tell you what, I'll let you cock Rachel Stevens so you realise what you're missing out on, alright? Pull ya socks up man... you've let the team down. At least I don't need to worry about this with Matt Lucas. He's gay.
Rachel Stevens has found a shoulder to cry on after breaking up with lover Jeremy Edwards.
Yes, the inevitable was going to happen. Rachel Stevens saw my picture, saw that I was single and decided to get rid of her Jewish lover. Jewish, ha ha. She has now found a shoulder to cry on, and it's the wrong shoulder. Rachel, my shoulder is here. Hell, I have two. I'm sure you'll read this (what with you following my every move - you crwazy stalker type, you) and yes, I will bone you into tomorrow, and Tuesday, and Wednesday, and Thursday, and Friday, Saturday, Sunday and for the rest of the year. And 2005, 2006, 2007, hell even in heaven. Good plan, eh? :) Call me.
The German version of the TV reality series "I'm a celebrity - Get me out of here!" has been exposed as a con after it was revealed most of the dangers the stars were supposed to face are non-existent.
Oh the Germans really are super sleuths aren't they? Not only have they tried to take over the world twice, but they've also decided to state the fucking obvious. It's pretty obvious that these ZZZ-list celebrities would have signed massive disclaimers that made sure they didn't get a single scratch in the jungle. Except if your name is Chris wasshisface from Corrie who managed to hurt HIMSELF. Idiot. There is another I'm A Celebrity in the UK this year, and you know what... I'm looking forward to it. Why you ask? Jordan I said. Yes, her massive tits will be on screen in the jungle. I will definately be going down to the store and getting as many boxes of Kleenex for that. The slut she is makes me want to cum. I think she wants me. Well done Katie Price. You might make a shitty show wankable. Thank-you. :)
Psychic Uri Geller has come to the defence of his friend Michael Jackson, saying the pop singer denied under hypnosis three years ago he had sexually abused children.
Oh my God. What a defence to have... a raving looney... "yes I hypnotised Michael Jackson and he said that the kiddies weren't molested". For fucks sake Uri, shut the fuck up. I love Michael Jackson, but you're a fucking idiot. "I can bend spoons and wank seventeen times in an hour without getting a friction burn." Yes, I'm sure the stars will be looking down on Michael Jackson -- in a cell... that's if you continue talking. If we had some credible celebrity back-up for Jackson (that means R. Kelly & Mystikal or any rap/rnb star should also shut the fuck up, oh and Ben Affleck) then maybe the dumb Yanks would realise something. Michael Jackson has sold fuckloads of records, he's a publicity expert, he's one of the biggest moneymakers in the history of the entertainment business... if he were to molest children, do you really think he'd allow himself to get caught? Do you really think his power trip would let the kid even think he'd been molested? No. Fuck no he wouldn't. Jacko is innocent. He's fucked in the head, yes.. but so is Geroge W. Bush and we don't accuse him of molesting. Good luck to Jackson, maybe you can go in jail, get raped every night and come out and write poetry like Tupac did... then get killed by the pop alternative of Biggie Smalls... I wonder who that would be. Mmmm... Prince would be cool.
Robbie Wants To Settle Down
Read this morning that Robbie Williams wants to settle down with two kids and live in the countryside. I like Robbie Williams, if you see through his shitty exterior, his monkey ears, his piss-poor tatoo and his hairy pubes you will see gleaming arrogance that this country doesn't have enough of. Think about it -- America is full of arrogant bastards, yet we prefer to worship pussies like Will Young (he's gay for fucks sake - where the arrogance in being camp?), Gareth Gates (arrogance never complimented a stutter) and Westlife (Irish.)... America is full of arrogant (take 2) and it's the leading country in the world... okay, so they're also the most hated country in the world, but the fun of being arrogant is the tag of hatred that joins you... it's cool. Therefore I am asking for more famous celebrities to become arrogant. Your teenage fans will hate you, but I will love you, and then your life will be complete.